Now And Forever
Chapter 34

By Abraxan

"That’s fine with me! I remember that waterfall in France," Ginny said with a sudden shiver. "I don’t need to see any more waterfalls up close."

Harry looked at her. "That’s what I flashed on. France."

"When I went sailing over the cliff and you jumped off to rescue me from the lake, right?" He nodded. "I remember that." She shivered again. "It was awful. But then I remember being kissed underwater. I liked that."

Harry frowned. Could she really have forgotten what happened to her? "I was trying to save your life, Gin. You’d drowned!"

She squeezed his hand. "I know." Her voice was so soft, he had to bend down to hear her. "I prefer to remember it my way."

He straightened and studied the expression in her eyes. She looked nervous, somehow, maybe even frightened. He swallowed hard, hoping he’d be able to help her. "Do you need to talk about it? I’ll listen if you do."

"I’ll talk if you will."

After a moment’s hesitation, Harry nodded. "OK, that’s fair. You first."

They moved off the path again and sat down facing each other. Harry held both of Ginny’s hands in his, nervous himself about what they were going to do, but determined to see it through.

"So I have to go first, huh?" Ginny said, looking even more uneasy than before. Harry nodded. "OK, then. Erm, my nightmares about that battle . . ." She swallowed hard, then continued. "They usually start with me being nose to noseless with Voldemort." A tiny smile tickled her mouth as she watched Harry’s reaction.

Harry laughed. "’Nose to noseless?’ That’s brilliant, Ginny, really! Go on."

"Well, you were there. You were amazing! And I was so angry that you wouldn’t let me help and I had to find ways around you to shoot spells at the Death Eaters!"

"I was trying to protect you—"

"I know, but I’m perfectly capable of fighting, and I wanted to protect you!"

They sat and stared at each other for a few minutes. "If I ever need help fighting someone again," Harry said, "I’ll let you help. OK?"

She smiled. "Yes. Thank you."

"What else?"

"Falling off the cliff was awful, but you saved me both times. Somehow I knew I wasn’t going to die, even when I hit the lake. My nightmares aren’t about that, though, although the Voldemort memory is terrifying. But the worst parts of my nightmares are about you being hurt, and Dad and Ron. I saw all of you get hit at one time or another and it was awful, so awful."

Harry wrapped his arms around her and held his now-trembling wife. "We’re all fine now, Gin. And you helped keep us safe. You were so brave and fought so well. I was proud of you, and terrified for you at the same time."

Ginny relaxed in his arms for a few minutes, then sighed, but Harry thought it sounded more relieved than anything else. She pushed out of his arms and looked up at him. "You know what?"

"Mmm?"

"I feel a little better. Your turn."

"Oh." Harry bit his lip. He really didn’t want to talk about the things that troubled him, but maybe, just maybe it would help. And he knew Ginny would understand and forgive him, even if he couldn’t forgive himself.

"Go on, Harry," she said in a gentle voice. "Nothing you say can upset me. We’ve already survived all that stuff. We just need to put it behind us."

He blew out a nervous breath. "You’re right. We did survive it. OK." He swallowed hard, then plunged into it. "That battle in France was the first place I deliberately killed people. I’d killed three men by accident the night before, when they attacked Ron and me on Buckbeak, but during the battle, after you lost your wand in the lake and I gave you mine, I decided those blokes were better off dead. I used the Killing Curse and the Bone-Removal Curse, knowing exactly what I was doing. I killed Bellatrix by accident, just an Expelliarmus that was too strong and smashed her head against a rock, but the others? I had every intention of making them dead as quickly as possible." He shook his head. "I talked to Remus about it afterwards, and he said I didn’t need to worry about turning dark like Voldemort, but still, I worried about it through the whole war, and even after it. I dream about doing horrible things, some that I really did, some that I didn’t. I see our friends dying." He shuddered. "I know they chose to fight, but they followed me, Ginny. I led them into combat. They . . . they died for me, Ginny, and that weighs on me terribly."

"We talked about that before—"

A shudder ran through him. He shook his head like a wet sheepdog, trying to clear his mind so he could go on. He glanced up at his wife and saw her waiting patiently for him to continue, her brown eyes warm and trusting, her face filled with love for him. He blew out a nervous breath and forced himself to go on.

"I’m glad we talked about it, and I don’t have those dreams as often as I did." He dropped his eyes, his guilt nearly overwhelming him. He couldn’t admit this while looking at her. He knew he should tell her everything. Maybe then he’d start getting better. But the things he had to confess . . . . He blew out a nervous breath and told her the worst thing, the crux of the whole problem. "Most of my dreams now are the ones where I’m worried about turning into a Dark Lord myself."

She gasped. "You could never do that! You’re too good!"

Harry looked into those beautiful eyes, now full of indignation as well as concern for him. "You’re wrong. I’m a really good liar and I snuck around Hogwarts loads more than anyone but Ron knew—well, more than he knew, too, actually. I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of. I’m not an honest person or a good person. I’m just not."

Ginny tilted her head and grinned at him. "Sneaky you may be, but that’s one of your good qualities!" At his frown, she continued. "Sneaking around is what’s given us time together all this term, Harry. It wasn’t a bad thing. It was just getting around rules that got in our way." She gave him a saucy look. "And if that makes you a bad person, I’m just as bad as you are! I’d do it all again in a heartbeat!"

The hint of a smile crossed Harry’s face. "You’re not a bad person, and you know it."

"And the same is true of you!"

He blushed and ducked his head a moment before answering her. "If you say so."

"Oh, you’re such a well-trained husband already!" Ginny said, moving into his arms again and lifting her face for a kiss. "I love you, Harry Potter."

"And I love you, Ginny Potter." He kissed her, then tucked her head under his chin and just held her for a few minutes.

"Feel better?"

He pulled back and looked at her. "Yeah, I think maybe I do."

"Good! This talking to each other thing could work, don’t you think?"

"Maybe so."

* * * * *

Harry and Ginny walked back to the native plant garden and studied the labels on the plants.

"I’ve never heard of some of these!" Ginny said, delighted with the garden. "Do you have any parchment? I should make some notes and drawings for Madam Sprout."

"No parchment," Harry said, patting his pockets, "just a receipt from lunch. I do have a pen. Maybe that can get you started. I’ll go to the car and see if I can find anything else you can write on."

"OK, thanks!" She took the pen and paper from Harry and bent over a plant, then giggled when she heard Harry whistle. She straightened up and turned around, laughing at his cheeky smile. "What?"

"The plants are pretty, but the view from here is spectacular," Harry said, teasing her.

"You’re silly."

Harry’s crooked grin lit up his face. "Silly over you, sweet girl. Be right back."

A few minutes later, he returned and offered her the only paper he could find—the ticket envelope from a show they’d attended. "If I’d known you wanted a notebook, I would’ve bought you one, you know."

"I didn’t know I’d need one, or I would’ve brought some parchment from my book bag," she said, taking the paper and turning back to her task.

"Parchment would definitely attract the wrong kind of attention," Harry said, "as would a quill." He looked at the variety of plants in the garden, then took the paper back from Ginny. "Hang on, I think I can fix this." He glanced around to see if anyone was watching, then turned his back toward the tourists who were nearest, cupped his hand over the paper and muttered a soft incantation. Satisfied with is work, he handed Ginny a notebook the size of the ticket envelope, but with numerous pages.

"Thanks! That’s more like it!" she said, taking the notebook and turning back to study the plants.

"Anything to make you happy, love," he said as he settled down on a bench behind her. A satisfied sigh escaped him, which caught Ginny’s attention.

She turned and looked at him. "What are you doing back there?"

"Enjoying the view. Those shorts certainly do look nice on you. Please continue with your work, dear lady."

"You’re so funny," she said, then got back to work.

A group of people came up the path by the garden. "Hi, Harry!" Mike called. "What’s this place?"

"A garden of native plants," Harry replied. "Ginny’s into plants, so she’s making some notes."

Mike waved at Ginny when she turned around, then looked at Harry again. "You look better."

Harry smiled. "I feel better, thanks. We talked. I think it helped."

Mike beamed at him. "Good! I’m glad to hear that." He glanced over Ginny’s shoulder to see what she was doing. "You draw very well."

"These are just to help my professor recognize the plants," she said with a shrug. "We’ve always had to draw the plants we study."

"Your professor?"

Ginny gave Harry a panicked glance. "Erm, yes, I’m taking a class."

"She’s always been interested in herbology," Harry said, trying to help. "You know, the basic plants medicines come from, that kind of thing."

Mike turned back to Ginny. "Oh, you’re interested in herbal medicine?"

Ginny nodded and chuckled, while Harry laughed out loud.

"What?" Mike said.

"Nearly the whole time we’ve been here," Harry explained, "we’ve been discussing how different our English is from American English. For instance, we say ‘herbology’ and you say ‘ur-bology,’ but there’s an ‘h’ there, so it should be ‘herb’!"

"And ‘aluminium’ for us, ‘aluminum’ for you," Ginny added.

"I think one of the funniest is ‘pissed,’ which to you means ‘angry,’ but to us means ‘roaring drunk.’" Harry laughed again, absolutely delighted that he felt like laughing so soon after a flashback.

Mike joined their laughter. "Yes, we do have some funny differences in our so-called ‘common’ language."

"That’s the truth!" Ginny said, nodding at Harry. "I’m finished."

"Ready to go?" Harry said, getting to his feet.

"Yes."

Harry held his hand out to Mike. "Thank you for talking to us. I think you helped us a lot."

"I’m glad to hear that. Take care." Mike shook hands with each of them, then rejoined his friends, who’d been browsing the garden while he chatted with Harry and Ginny.

"Did you have enough paper?" Harry said, glancing at her notes.

"Only just! I’ll redo this on parchment when I have a chance. Professor Sprout will enjoy seeing these notes."

Harry wrapped an arm around her neck and pulled her close, then kissed the top of her head. "I’m sure she will, sweet girl." He dropped his arm to her shoulders and spent the entire walk back to the car counting his blessings that he’d married this very special woman.